Moving on…..

Of Montreal was pretty great.  We started out with a fantastic vegetarian meal at the Grit & cruised over to the 40 Watt like it was gonna be a normal show.  I must have selective memory about those things because Athens shows are unique in that, since it is a college town, the headliner never gets onstage before midnight. The audience consisted of young Metrosexuals in pink suits & herds of 20ish girls on Ecstasy who all seemed to be dressed up like kitty-clowns, butterflies & woodland fairies.  They obviously arrived to the show too early, as well, because as midnight approached, their drunken antics became exceedingly sloppy & reckless.  One particular mermaid was engaging & sweet before the show but as soon as the music began, she turned into the village slut & began to grind her booty on all the frat boys up front.  She was serious about her total sluttiness, too.  No more smiles.  All whore.

Another kid (who couldn’t have been 20 but was slurring & staggering none-the-less) became very offended as we scoffed at her 1. lack of knowledge of who WEEN is, & 2. her vocal adoration of Brittany Spears & Miley Cyrus.   Initially, we thought she was kidding but her threats & attacking nature proved she was not kidding & that she was serious about her shitty musical tastes.  She was easily diffused.

THe band was great.  We hoped we would get a lot of new material & although the band played a significant amount of interesting & obscure songs, the total count of new album tracks ended up @ 1.  Weak.  The new song was called “Teenage Unicorn Fisting” (!!!) sounded like Duran Duran had a love child with Parliament-Funkadelic. 

I want to spend a few thoughts on local bands playing local shows.  Although I feel a comradery towards bands from my town & am often friends with the guys, I do think that hometown shows sometimes fall short of the high expectations set by shows on the “ROAD”.  Maybe bands tone their craziness down to appease their relatives @ the show or maybe they just mail the performances in because they wanna hang out or go home early but if a fan set an expectation based on reports of antics & set lists in Albuquerque or Madison or Portland. Give them the goods!  If you piss on the drummer or spit on the crowd or you punch drunken fans on the road then piss, shit & fight!  The people in your home town expect & deserve the same shenanigans as they probably love you the most.  Kevin Barnes didn’t even get the Crucifix out.  It was visible on the side of stage but inexplicably he just omitted it from the show.  All the talk of Catholicism & blasphemy leading up to the show & no goddamn crucifix.  Way to fall short, Kev.  The show ran too late & ruined my Friday.  I knew it would but realized on Friday morning that unless Athens has a show to offer that is new, I’ll be skipping them.  I bring this up because I realize that I am getting too fucking old for that shit.

T-minus 3 days to Them Crooked Vultures.  Dave Grohl (Nirvana & Foo Fighters), Joshua Homme (Kyuss & Queens of the Stone Age) & the legendary John Paul Jones ( a lil’ band known as LED ZEPPELIN)  make their inaugural visit to Atlanta.  The music is stellar.  It is so good that one of my girl buddies told me that the album reaffirmed her belief in rock-n-roll.  That’s solid!  She is so GUNG-HO that although she has some big new boobies scheduled for installation on Friday, she’ll be @ the show rocking out with us on Thursday!  She’s a lunatic & that’s why we love her.  Oh, & she makes a mean chili stew!

The following night is Goodie Mob.  Many people will just say, “Who the fuck is Goodie Mob?”  But since i fall into the category of  the 1st generation of white boys raised on RAP music, this show is a big deal.  Goodie Mob was Outkast’s lil’ brother.  Ceelo Green (Gnarls Barkley) was an original member & like many other rap groups hellfire followed the band around.  One of the members lost a leg in a pedestrian hit-n-run and terrible infighting caused a hiatus that lasted until this tour.  I can’t freakin’ wait. 

Some crazy Motocross Freestyle jumping thing is Saturday night is happening at the Dome so I’ll be playing Good Daddy & going with my boys.  Sunday will be a true “Day of Rest”.

That’s all for now, y’all…..

Tonight , I shall rock out with my cock out!!!!   (figuratively)

Pants on the Groundhog.

Pants on the Groundhog.

Lookin like a fool with yo pants on the Groundhog.

Actin’ like a Gopher

Walkin’ like a Porcupine.

Watchin’ 4 yo shadow with your Pants on the Groundhog.

Fuck you, i think it’s clever.  Additionally, i was recently rejected from eharmony.com because they said “MY DICK” was an inappropriate answer for the question,”What do you like in a woman?”

See, it’s all downhill from this point. 

So, Of Montreal is playing songs from their new album at the 40 Watt Club on Thursday night.  Athens shows during the week beat the crap outta me but after the Drive-by Truckers show where they played 14 new songs out of 24 total last week, this one is not to be missed even if it affects my Friday workday.  Besides, I’ll have all weekend to catch up.  You know I’ll report back on the show as Kevin Barnes has compared the new album to Mothership Connection- Parliment Funkadelic.  It is hard to imagine but i came up with the Pants on the Groundhog song so my mind has the ability to work outside of any box.  I’ll save the concerts happening the following week for a later post except to say that i’ll be seeing 2 of my modern rock heros, a member of Led Zeppelin, & the 2nd greatest rap group from Atlanta EVAH!!!

Eat a dick.  I am damaged, affected, & happy as hell about it.

Rachel Heather Palmer OK Van, Kamlyn, Jeanne, Renee, Dana (and anyone else who wants to join in) I’ll start….Once upon A time…

Lisa Lisa & the Cult Jam were playing a concert at Piedmont Park when a swarm of angry redneck bees invaded the village!

            There was a lot at stake.  Gavin, my 10-year old son, had been asking repeatedly to go with us to the show. We had envisioned about 10 of us getting together with our kids and “passing the torch” so to speak.  Gavin had been to several other shows like the Raconteurs, Ween, and Voodoo Music Festival, but those were very different than the record release event by Mastodon in their hometown at a tiny record store.  Additionally, Gavin had been learning the new album to prove his worthiness as we got it off of the interweb as soon as it leaked.  He knew the death metal hand symbol.  He knew when to bang his head, & he was even starting to understand the intricacies of the air guitar and it’s appropriateness.

Everything was set up perfectly until a chance glance at the Criminal Records website cause a proverbial “hitch in our giddy-up”. 

Due to an overwhelming response from the public, Criminal Records has had to modify how it will handle the upcoming Mastodon in-store performance on Tuesday, March 24th.  The store will be closed (for a brief time) at 8 pm, so that we may re-organize to enhance our customer’s enjoyment of the show.  Upon re-opening, customers that have a Criminal Records receipt from purchase of “Crack The Skye” will be given priority to enter the store.  Also, due to space constraints and security concerns we will limit the number of people allowed in the store to 300.  Thanks for your understanding.

Crap!!!  I’m the new guy @ a new job and I just don’t think it’s possible for me to ask off work to go to a record store and pick up a CD so that I can go to a concert that night.  Just writing that makes me want to fire myself.  Luckily, Mike is still on hiatus from his work so he was able to wrap that issue up quite nicely.  Problem #1 solved thanks to Mike…

            As my day progressed, I realized that another issue was beginning to rear it’s ugly head.  My boss expected me to go from my project jobsite in Austell to Rome, Ga. after wrapping up the day’s chores to make a delivery/pickup.  Time was growing short.  Knowing that getting to the record store early enough to be up front was going to make or break the event for us, I was able to cover 175 miles, during afternoon traffic, in 135 minutes.

Chew on that, Georgia State Patrol!!!

            We arrive at the exact time we had planned and found ourselves about 25-30th in line. This was sweet because we were stationed right in front of a fantastic beer bar.  We had 2 hours to kill so we got some pizza and beverages and began to wait it out with out new friends.  In front of us was a couple who were really nice.  They were very reserved and made Gavin feel very comfortable.  Behind us, however, were 6 or 7 fellas who had been drinking Jager since noon, were in a rock band in Rome, Ga., and were a fairly intimidating group of guys.  They gave me one of their disks but I haven’t listened yet.  myspace.com/embodiedband, if you’re interested.  They were all very large and very hairy so it took Gav a while to warm up to them.  We talked about bands I have little interest in (Lamb of God) and watched as they ogled all of the hot metal sluts who meandered by towards the back of the line.  The funny thing was that all of the pretty lil’ babies only wanted to interact with Gavin!!  He was the pre-show Jr. ROCKSTAR except when Mastodon’s guitarist, Bill Kelliher, walked by with his lady & child in tow!!!!  Little rocker kids are so damn cute to me. 

            Time was flying by & it was Showtime.  We filed in, and luckily the management had enacted a 10 years and under get in for free rule so Gavin didn’t need his own disk receipt. We smoothed right up front to about 6 feet from the stage but due to Gavin’s lack of height, I knew it was going to be a long show with him on my shoulders.  Luckily, all the good folks in line had set up camp with us so we had a semi-safe barrier of people who at least knew he was there.

          We immediately noticed the extensive audio & video equipment, not knowing at that time that the band was webcasting the event in honor of releasing the record to the masses that day.  The band came out looking as gnarly as ever.  Brent Hinds has the most intimidating snarl in music and I defy anyone to tell him different.  They launched into the first song, Oblivion, with the drummer singing into a Brittany Spears style mic.  It will amaze me forever how someone could be so technically skilled to be able to play so intricately & sing at the same time. It is also a testament to the band’s progression as musicians that they share the singing duties with such balance.  There is a lot to be said for actually hearing the raw drums and amps without additional amplification, too.

          Now, this ain’t your momma’s Mastodon like the days of Blood & Thunder or Trampled under Hoof.  Although today’s recreation of these songs is better than the originals, subjectively speaking. This band’s transition and inclusion of prog-rock techniques is very reminiscent of Tool, circa Aenima. There were sounds coming from the stage that were very unnatural. Trippy, psychedelic swirls of strings and synth mixed with the almost violent chug of the guitars to make it obvious that these guys had arrived to TAKE their title as “The Most Relevant Band in METAL”.

Brent Hinds:

I’m a gigantic rock star and there’s no way for me not to know that — and I love it!”

Yes you are, Sir.

          I was whipped.  We were rocking out and Gavin was above the fray.  He and I both needed a break after Divinations (the 2nd song). I mean, holding a 10 year old on your shoulders ain’t as easy on your back as you might think.  As I put Gavin down, this lil guy among the sea of rocking giants, both arms shot into the air in a double-death metal salute.  It was only visible to a few of us but a guy patted me on the back in appreciation and congratulations for having such a fucking cool kid.

 Lifelong inclusion to the memory bank… Check.

 He wanted to be able to see again after he got the feeling back into his feet.  I popped him back up above the crowd and our buddies from Rome were apparently engaging in some illicit activities.  All of a sudden, this behemoth of a man, 6’4” 375 lbs with wicked white boy fro/dreds accidentally lit his hair on fire.

WHOOOSH!!!!  It went up like a torch.  Flaming about a foot & a half in the air.  Gavin was oblivious to the illicit stuff but couldn’t miss the flaming monster in front of him & dove for safety.  Security immediately escorted the guy away as his hair continued to smolder.  This created a fantastic void in the front of the stage so Gavin & I assumed the position!  Front Row at his first show.  It was perfectly insane!!!  After the band played the new epic 4-part song, The Czar, and we had wiggled ourselves into premium spots, it all ended very suddenly..  Although we thought we were gong to hear the album in it’s entirety, the plan was to only play the 1st half.  It ended with a stark abruptness that could only leave someone wanting more, more, more…

As the people began to file towards the exit, metalhead after punk rocker after hipster were slapping Gavin five and scrubbing up his hair.  They all saw the next generation of lunatic rock-n-roll fanatic right up front banging his head & being brave.

It was some scary shit, I must say.

^^^^^ Mastodon in the Studio^^^^^

K to da K

 http://www.amoeba.com/live-shows/videos/king-kahn.html   <–See his Highness in action!!!

Ya know. You have to be able to trust people.  People who ask direct questions wouldn’t do so if they didn’t have a good reason.  Critical elements are affected through bad information.

I was dealing with a testy situation last night.  It was my buddy’s birthday.  He had a bum tooth and was in a rather cantankerous mood.  This wasn’t too out of the ordinary because Mike is not what one might call an optimist by nature.  I called ahead to the Masquerade to get some clarity on the schedule for the night.  Ozomatli was performing upstairs at the same time with staggered starting times for 6 bands at 1 venue.  I wasn’t concerned about the Masquerade, though.  It was the decrepit old Excelsior Mill with slick, perpetually wet, stone walls and rusted old milling equipment that made it feel much more like a graveyard for tools than a music venue.  Perfect for the type of acts it attracts.  Hell, it’s where the Sex Pistols played many moons ago!  Besides, I had just seen 50+ Death-Black-Scandanavian-Doom-Prog-Satanic-Grindcore-Mathcore Heavy Metal bands play there last Saturday. 

That being said, I had other concerns so the guy on the phone threw out some times.

Doors open at 7:00.

1st opener by 8:00

King Khan no later than 9:30 or 10:00.

Great!        

So, the plan was to roll in at about 9:15, miss the expectedly terrible openers, and be ready to rock by the time King Khan ascends to the throne of the Goddamn God of Indian Thunder.

Here is where the problem started.  Mr. Helpful-on-the-Phone was full of shit.  No one even approached the stage for soundcheck until closer to 10:00.  We sat there unable to have a drink because of Mike’s antibiotic regiment.   The first opener’s inability to even carry a tune was causing him to tailspin into seething disdain for anything that was ahead.  We chilled in the back during the set and were actually relieved by it’s finale.  I can’t say there was even a highlight except the conclusion and we assume the crowd was there because they were friends with the band. 

We switched spots for the second band and had much higher hopes for them as they were from Brooklyn and had a pretty cool name.  Golden Triangle was a direct reference to Heroin and since I grew up during the Grunge era, I have a soft spot in my heart for druggie music.  They were a coed band with 2 girl singers and although Mike hated them, the fact that they were wasted and repeatedly flashing accidental beaver shots to the audience made the time pass quite well. 

I must point out my disdain for the male “hipster” look.  You know the guy…  skinny jeans, a tight sport jacket and possibly a Arabic scarf.  Don’t forget the mandatory mustache and the bed-head.  That’s the quintessential finishing touch.  The hipster ladies and their shorty-short dresses provide me with at least a good view, but I digress because it was finally time.

I missed the 4^th of July show but it was finally about to happen.  I can’t tell you why, but this guy’s fans are few and far between.  People don’t see the brilliance of an honest to goodness R&B performance by a guy who looks like Apu’s hoodlum brother but it’s so obvious to me.  His band warmed up the crowd with a blazing rhythm. The horns cooled of the heavy rock guitars and the keyboardist played so hard he couldn’t keep his instrument on the stand.  King Khan came out in a smooth off-white suit & a fat collared black shirt with the collar flipped out.  I have no proof, but it is possible that he purchased it @ the James Brown Estate sale a year or so ago.  There were 10 people crammed onto this little stage and the energy surged of the chart immediately.  Wisely, we chose a side stage view because we had an unimpeded line of sight and heard the stories about flying urine and the King’s testicles touching unwilling participants. 

He started off with Land of the Freak. The lyrics,

 “I’m from Atlanta, Geo-guh, & the Mississippi, too.  Way down….  Ybor City- Kalamazoo!!!”

 This instantly made the crowd go nuts!!!!  Blazing through a set of blistering soul favorites.  I became more & more fascinated by the spectacle unfolding before my eyes.  One song after another got crazier & crazier on stage.  The horn section gave the event and “old-school soul review” type of vibe and the gothic looking cheerleader added the “weirdo” factor that kept it all from feeling hokey. 

Welfare Bread,

Leave You Baby (Outta Harms Way),

I Wanna be a Girl (dedicated to an unrecognizable club in Atlanta),

The stage show continued.  At one point, there was a sort of Gospel-Porno thing that involved being reborn and physically climbing inside of his ladies vagina for a walk around. 

It was quickly getting out of hand, but simultaneously, Mike was becoming more & more ill.  He basically hated everything by that point and it was everything I could do to keep him from spitting on the King!!!   I think that might have been a gesture of appreciation back in the day but would have probably gotten us into a fight on that night.  We were tired and had been there for 3 hours before the good band played.  At the same time, however, the show was reaching orgasmic heights.

I’m not positive of what I heard but I believe he said that the final song was titled Son of a Bad Mother Fucker and for me, there was no doubt that the apple had not fallen far from the tree.

We like to play a guessing game the encores.  With most bands, it’s the hottest live track or the favorite old song.  Bands with a huge catalog of songs get tricky, but we usually decipher the encore about 3 out of 5 times, regardless.  I bet he would blast us out of the building with Torture and Mike refused to guess. 

(The moniker I used earlier in the story…  “The Godamn God of Middle-Eastern Soul or Indian Thunder” or whatever?  This is the reason why he deserves it!)

King Khan emerged from the backstage area and there had been an obvious costume change.  Instead of the classic James Brownesque cream colored suit, he was newly adorned in a pair of black booty shorts with a golden Canadian maple leaf sewn over his, a-hem, junk.  He also had on a bear claw necklace, a Marching Band leader’s hat and a gold cape. 

That’s it.

Bear claw necklace, cape, hat, & booty shorts.

He was joined by the middle opening band and 18 people on a 12 x 12 stage blistered through a pair of stellar songs from the Supreme Genius (greatest hits) album. They blasted into Don’t Regret a Thing and finished with Gotta live-Gotta die-Gotta laugh-Before you cry!!! (I don’t know the actual title).  It was the last song and was ended by a 10-minute feedback/Maraca/drunk girl freakout.

As for Mike, it couldn’t have ended soon enough.  For me, however, it could have lasted till morning.

PS- Fuck you, phone guy…

I LOVE MUSIC.

It’s not as if I’m focused either.  Probably the reason why I’m not very skilled at any instrument, (although I own one of  almost everything!) and the reason why I’m not in a band.  That would be too centralized.  Allow me to clarify…

I LOVE ALL MUSIC!!!!

Now, don’t start arguing semantics with me by saying,

“You can’t like ALL music.” 

Obviously, a great deal of music put out for consumption really SUCKS, but there is quality in almost every genre of music.  At least let me start of by saying that i haven’t found a genre of music that doesn’t have some really talented people contributing to the body as a whole.  Folks who are ahead of the curve, so to speak.

There will be times when you think I must be “bat-shit” crazy for the stuff that comes out of my mind but, rest assured, I can back up anything I write and will gladly expound on any subject that you think needed more attention.  Just leave a comment.

So, back to the plan.   I’ve always been envious of my dad for actually LOVING what he gets to do for a living.  I have always wished that i could find something so wonderful & so captivating that i would be able to simultaneously embrace it & prosper from it, as well.  Meanwhile, I’m going to concerts 3-5 nights a week, partying it up, and missing work at shitty, menial jobs that feel like torture.  Then, the other day, a fantastically brilliant & maniacal friend made perfect logic out of the whole situation.  She’s been known to read me like a book and has the ability and my respect enough to not just dismiss her suggestions.  She said,

“It all makes perfect sense.  You’re a WRITER.  You love music.  All music.  You can’t be in a band because you would be forced to focus on one kind of music, Your music.  But if you start keeping up with all of the phenomenal shows you see and combine that with your obsessive knowledge of musical history, there is no reason why you would be ignored.  So, start a blog, keep it up, and someone will find you and pay you to do what you love.  TALK ABOUT MUSIC.”

We’ll leave it at that.  I have a plan.  I have a sharp tongue.  I have a good knowledge of history.  But most of all, I have an ingrained deep-seeded adoration for music and i hope that it transfers over to anyone who chooses to keep up with my psychotic ramblings.

King Khan & the Shrines is tomorrow @ the Masquerade.  It’s Mike’s birthday and he’s hemmed up with a bad tooth.  It’s gonna be one for the books so I’ll chime in on the evening’s events soon…

R89